Anxiety vs. Pleasure

This may be hard for some of you to read; what some may call a trigger, but (if I could) I‘m going to encourage you to read until the end. If you, yourself, struggle with anxiety, I think you’ll be glad to know that you’re most certainly not alone.

This is definitely going to be my most vulnerable post yet.

I’m just going to come right out and say it... I struggle with anxiety. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was about 17 years old and these past few weeks, “struggle” doesn’t even begin to explain the way I’ve been feeling.

I noticed that I had been having a hard time the last couple of weeks and decided I needed to reach out and have a conversation with my support person - my husband. He and I had a conversation on Saturday night about the different circumstances and feelings that I had been struggling with. He was able to ask me questions like “What makes your anxiety better ? What makes it worse ? What helps you get through those moments that you feel like you’re going to crumble ? (for real)” We also had a conversation about things that I need to do to take responsibility for my thoughts; for example, being sure I’m engaging in the treatment plan that’s been laid out for me by my health care professionals. Being able to talk through my feelings was exactly what I needed. I went to sleep Saturday evening feeling like I had definitely taken a step in the right direction.

Then, friends, as always, it happened again. You’ll never guess the topic we discussed at church on Sunday morning - anxiety ! Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up. When my pastor began the discussion, my jaw about hit the floor. I had no doubt that in that moment, I was, once again, exactly where I needed to be.

Sometimes I feel as though my thoughts and worries get consumed by some of the silliest things. In my weakest moments, I feel like there is a spotlight shining on me and everyone within a 10 mile radius is able to see every single one of my shortcomings. And could you believe that one of the things that gives me the most anxiety is my anxiety ! Come. On.

The service began with my pastor referencing the following statement: “Do not let pressure exceed pleasure”. I truly feel as though I find pleasure in the simple things; my children, husband, family, and friends, to name a few. When it comes down to it, in the best version of myself, I really don’t feel that I get too caught up with materialistic “things”. Not allowing pressure to exceed pleasure is a perfect reminder to maintain humility and remember what truly matters to me and who I truly am.

It seems, at times, I find myself struggling to be able to enjoy the moment, or I don’t feel like I can be myself, for fear of judgement from others. I need to remind myself not to let that “pressure” dictate my ability to be true to who I am without worrying about how others are going to perceive me.

My favorite part of the Sunday service was the reference to Matthew 6: 25-34. These verses of the Bible were exactly what I needed to hear. Jesus is quoted saying (many times over) not to worry. To leave the worrying up to Him. The reality is, our plan is already laid out. No matter what we do (or how much we worry) our plan is already set. We are encouraged to give our worries to God so that we may live fulfilling, happy lives; just the way God intended us to live. So much easier said than done. I struggle with this so much. It’s terrible. I hold onto unproductive thoughts, I worry, I wonder, I want to explain myself in every situation.... and I just need to stop. We need to stop.

It seems there is such a fine line between confidence and egotistical, and I struggle with that. I worry (imagine that) that people will interpret my confidence as arrogance.

This is, no doubt, a daily struggle for me. Some days are worse than others, but I need to remember that worrying is not my job. It is so unproductive; it just results in my inability to enjoy this life and how truly beautiful it really is.

My goal of this blog is not to cure your anxiety. It is also not to make this very real mental illness seem insignificant or that the cure may simply lie in a bible verse. Use this post, instead, as simply a reminder to know that you’re more than enough; we should never have to debate that or worry that that’s true.

My anxiety is something that I pray about often. Sunday was a perfect reminder that He hears our prayers, knows our struggles, and is there to love us all the way through them. Momma’s, I pray that you know that and can be true to whomever your creator intended you to be, worry free.

Until next time..

Your,

(Anxious) Christian Momma