I couldn’t believe the simple perfection of our time of worship this past Sunday at church.
One of the songs that was sung was, “Yes and Amen”. If you haven’t heard this song before, I highly recommend you listen to it (after you’re done here).
As I was singing and reflecting on the lyrics of this beautiful song, I was brought to tears and immediately thought, “This is my anthem song. This is my story. This perfectly describes the season that I am walking in.”
As I mentioned in my previous blog post, we’ve been struggling to conceive baby number 3 to add to our current chaos. I’ve struggled with so many varying emotions. Some I can put into words, others more difficult. Continue to read along as I try to put into words some of my most common emotions that I’ve faced and experienced this past season.
One of the most common and reoccurring feeling that I’ve experienced, is “hurt”. Plain and simple (seems obvious, right?). Month after month I was hurt, to not only be grieving our previous losses, but to continuously be faced with that ugly, very apparent negative sign that stared me in the face on that plastic stick. Right alongside this hurt, I felt disappointment for the same reasons listed above.
It wasn’t long before I felt an “annoyed confusion”. (I wasn’t just annoyed and I wasn’t just confused; I was definitely both). “Why isn’t this happening for us? What are we doing wrong? Is there something wrong with us? Does God not want us to have more children? I. Don’t. Get. It.”
Following the question, “Does God not want us to have more children?”, came so. much. guilt. I want to camp out here for a minute to really explain this one. (I’ve clearly not moved past this feeling, hence the urge to explain myself). First, I felt guilty because I thought God was punishing me. Everything that I’ve been taught revoked this thought; we do not serve a God of punishment or condemnation, but I couldn’t help but wonder if, at least in some cases, that wasn’t true. I felt that maybe I wasn’t doing a good enough job with my two kiddos that I have and, ‘For goodness sake, I’m not entrusting you with another.’
But mostly, I felt guilt because of the other mommas/mommas-to-be that I wanted to walk alongside that were experiencing the same hurt as me. I couldn’t help but think they were saying, “Ya right, you have two kids. Be grateful. You couldn’t possibly understand the hurt that I’m experiencing trying to conceive my first. Quit being so selfish.” And maybe that’s true. Maybe that person is reading this very sentence right now. And what I would like to say is that I see you. I feel for you. I’m praying for you. And, I’m so, so incredibly sorry. But also, I do feel that I can relate. A loss is a loss, big or small. A desire is a desire, big or small. And, at the end of the day, we, as daughters of our amazing God, shouldn’t spend our time comparing grief. Instead, we should come alongside each other and love each other as best as we can. Lean on each other. Pick each other up. I’m trying to do that, the best that I know how.
As I was experiencing the above listed emotions, along with many others, the next emotion we can add is hope. Every month my hope would come in waves. From the beginning of my cycle, I’d be hopeful that this, this month was the month. That hope continued to grow as the weeks marched on and then in a matter of minutes, that hope was destroyed, shattered.... until... it wasn’t. Instead, it’s what I decided to cling to.
It’s songs like the one we sung this last Sunday that serves as a perfect reminder of the God that really does hear our prayers and that loves us so well. The same being that created our universe also created each of us; and He did so with intention and so much love. The Bridge (I think?) of this song says “and I will rest in your promises. My confidence is your faithfulness.” Seriously, it gives me goosebumps. That ! That is exactly what I’ve been feeling.
If there was ever anyone that had asked if they could pray for me (thank you!!) I would absolutely say yes (it’s not something I typically turn down) and our fertility journey would be the first thing on my mind. Instead, though, of asking for a beautiful, healthy baby, (which is clearly what I want) I’d ask for whatever God’s will is for me; would He place that on my heart so that my desires would align with His. I would ask for peace surrounding this whole, confusing situation and an understanding that He is all-knowing and is, ultimately, the One in charge. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t change what I want, right ? I still know what I want. However, what I also know is that my Heavenly Father would never steer me wrong. Just as I have to say “no” or “you need to wait” or “you need to be patient” to my children because of their best interest, so much is the same for our Heavenly Father. Just as I feel that I know what’s best for my kids, whether they like it or not, He knows the same.... whether I like it or not.
I want you to know that I’m certainly aware that this journey doesn’t look the same as others’. The beginning, middle, and end can all look so, very different. My emotions still come in various waves. Some days it’s easy to remain positive, other days, it’s nearly impossible. And that’s ok. It’s those days, especially, where I look to Heaven and say “I can’t. Today, I can’t.” And I swear I hear in return..... “It’s ok, because I can.”
I certainly hope that no matter what season you’re walking through that you can find your confidence in our wonderful God. In addition to the lyrics quoted above, as the title suggests, the song goes on to say “All your promises are ‘yes and ‘Amen’”. We just have to be sure we’re asking the right questions.
I know this post is a bit redundant from the previous, but the goal of my blog is to be authentically me. And, as you can imagine, or maybe even know, personally, this stuff is heavy and consuming. It seems, though, I’m finding my confidence and the ability to lighten the load, even just a bit.
I will be praying the same for all of you. I’ll be praying that your prayers are answered with an astounding “Yes and Amen.”
Until next time....
Your,
(Confident) Christian Momma