>>Trigger Warning -Infertility, Infant Loss<<
Last summer, I had a dear friend of mine make the above pictured shirts for me. I was thrilled when my husband and I had decided that we were ready to add another little blessing to our family. After seeing the adorable outcome of my friend’s talents, I had decided that this would make the perfect birth announcement, and I was so excited to use them for that purpose. However, God had a different plan and purpose.
We had decided to start trying at the end of the summer and we quickly became pregnant. We were thrilled with the news. I found myself quickly purchasing “big sister” and “big brother” shirts for my two kiddos. It wasn’t long after, however, that we realized that I was miscarrying. We were sad and confused, but trusted in God’s plan for us. Afterall, if I’m “Raising Believers” and call myself a “Believer”, I know that, ultimately, God has a plan for us and it’s far greater than mine. He has done a really good job of proving that to me over and over again.
With our OB’s permission, we immediately tried to conceive again. Once again, we quickly saw that eagerly anticipated little plus sign on the end of that (expensive) plastic stick. I felt a sense of relief that our initial loss was just a fluke and something that, through continued prayer, I’d find peace and know that this was all a part of His plan. Unfortunately, it wasn’t but a couple days later and a trip to the OB’s office, that we were told we had miscarried, again. At this point, we started to really have questions and concerns. What was my body trying to tell us ? What was God trying to tell us ? Why was this happening ? We, ignorantly, got pregnant very quickly and easily with our first two. This was definitely unchartered territory for us. We were at a total loss (no pun intended).
The explanations from our doctor left us feeling very hopeful and, once again, we were told to just keep trying.
I wish I could write here that our efforts, faith, and prayers have paid off and we’re going to be adding another sweet baby to our family and that this is our long awaited announcement, but that’s not the case. Without trying to stress too much and “do” too much, month after month, we’ve had an ugly negative sign show up after taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test.
I’m so sad. I’m so confused. My emotions continue to be a continuous cycle (again, no pun intended). I go from excited about the potential - to hopeful - to disappointed - and it just starts all over again. I feel like I’ve been living my life in 27 (ish) day increments. It’s so easy to get lost in my own feelings of sorrow and disappointment. It’s so easy to have doubts. It’s so easy to be upset and be angry. It’s hard, however, to trust.
When I look at the picture above, this situation has been a hard, but perfect reminder of what it means to be a believer. I, sincerely, believe and feel that God has my best interest in mind. I truly believe that someday I’ll look back and say “Yes, God, you were right. I get it.” I’d be lying if I said that some days weren‘t harder than others, but I’m deciding to use this valley to deepen my faith and grow my roots down deeper.
I’ve been able to use this season to get real and raw with my Heavenly Father. I know He knows my heart’s desire, but I don’t hesitate to ask, beg, and tell him anyway. I don’t hesitate to ask the questions and then hope that I will stumble upon the answers. And my biggest prayer... peace. I need His peace. His understanding.
And, although some days are sad and hard, He continues to show up. I mentioned in previous posts that I promised myself that I was going to read my Bible cover to cover, and I feel it’s been no coincidence that I find myself this last week in the book of Job. For those that aren't familiar, Job was a man of prosperity. He had everything he could have ever imagined for himself, and then, all of a sudden, he didn’t. Satan decided to prey on him and tempted him to turn away from his Creator. He tempted him with sorrow, loss, and pain. Sound familiar ? Im only partially through Job’s story, but it’s so encouraging to see Job hold steadfast to his faith and believe that his Lord will continue to show up for him.
One of my dearest friends and I always talk about always wanting to find a reason for something. We want to find the why. And as a believer, I feel like that’s even more true. I want to believe that I deserve this, I’ve earned this, I’ve done something wrong. God’s punishing me. Again, I’m so blessed to find myself in the book of Job where we read that that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m reminded that “we live in a fallen world where good behavior is not always rewarded and bad behavior is not always punished.” Our job is to remain faithful. Our job is to know that “God’s ultimate purpose will come to pass.” Just because God loves us, doesn’t mean he will always prevent suffering. As a matter of fact, the opposite may be true. Afterall, this is the same God that sent His only Son to Earth to be beaten, humiliated, and then left to suffer on a cross for you and I. He didn’t do that for His entertainment, He did it to be able to bring completion to His plan and His purpose.
So, in the mean time, I’m going to use this season as an opportunity to talk more, ask more, and invest more. I know that I will come out of this stronger and have an even greater understanding of the incredible God that created me, without a single mistake. I will continue to believe that after every storm will come a beautiful rainbow.
Momma’s, I pray that no matter what season you’re in, whether it be similar to mine or a unique suffering of your own, that you may find the light in the darkness, cling to hope and optimism, and, ultimately, find His purpose at the end of it all.
If you have questions, comments, or need prayers, please reach out to me. I will continue to pray that my blog reaches you and touches you in only ways that He intends it to.
Until next time...
Your,
(Optimistic) Christian Momma